Piece by Piece.

I was going to write this last night but I was tired and emotional and I’m glad I didn’t now. However, after having a good night’s sleep, I am going to write about it, but hopefully in a way people can understand and in a way which doesn’t make me sound like a whining, attention-seeking child.

Last night, I saw all of my college friends in the same place for what will be the last time before we’re scattered off around the country to university. I think it’s pretty safe to say that things are never going to be the same again, there are people I will never, ever see again. People I spent the last 7 years of my life around, in some cases. Some of them I’ll miss terribly, others… well, don’t let the door hit you on the way out springs to mind.

Last night was presentation evening, which is an evening at our college, where parents, teachers, and students alike gather together in a “well, you made it through college” kind of way. We have one every year, but this was the big one because it marked the end of a long, and occasionally difficult, journey. In short, awards are given out and everyone claps a lot.

Last night, I received my BTEC Diploma in art and design, walked across the stage in front of bored students and parents, shook my course co-ordinators hand and walked off again, only to sit down and get a numb arse and hands that stung from clapping.

However, there was wine afterwards. So it wasn’t all bad.

Sitting there watching wave after wave of students climb the stage and having to clap every single one of them in turn made me realise something: Presentation Evening is just another one of those things my school/college organises in order to celebrate the achievements of their students and yet it ends up having the exact opposite effect on me. I always walk away with a bitter hatred of myself and everyone else.

Now, I should state here that I don’t usually hate myself and the rest of humanity, I’m the kind of person who likes to find the silver lining in things, smiling is better than frowning and fun is better than misery. It is just Presentation Evening that turns me into a snivelling emo child. (Although I did go there when I was much younger than I am now, but that’s a story for a different day.)

And at last, I think I’ve found the reason why it bothers me so much. It’s the inequality of the whole evening. Which isn’t to insult anyone who won an award, not least my friends who thoroughly deserved theirs, it’s just… well, I’ll use the example of one young man (who my dad commented will probably be the next David Cameron and I’m inclined to agree) won four awards last night. Two subject awards, the Extended Essay award and the Principles cup. I spoke to him after and he said he hates winning them, and I can believe it. We used to be in the same form, and every single presentation evening that I have witnessed, he’s won at least two awards. Not to mention he was Prom King, (which was chosen by the teachers, and nowhere near as a big a deal in the UK as it is in the States, but still…) and was an ambassador at the modern UN.

I think what I’m trying to say, is that with my school, you either are or you are not. My boyfriend is (he’s won the Principles Cup twice, for God’s sake!) I, apparently, am not. Mostly, I’m fine with that, I do enough, I get good grades, I got into my dream university. I’m fine with no recognition for every single other evening of the year.

But when it comes to presentation evening. It bothers me and it bothers me terribly. I want to win something, I want credit for those months and months I quietly worked my arse off. I want someone to recognise my talent, because I am talented, I know that. No, I’m condemned to the realms of those who never quite made an impression, good or bad. Those who never got into trouble, but were just never quite worthy enough to be praised.

I’m sure in a few days I’ll go back to being fine with my mediocrity, but right now, it’s eating away at me, piece by piece.

- Katie xx